12 Simple Steps to Overcome Your Idiocy
by reno385
Summary: OMG, AN UPDATE? Cloud takes logic lessons in college while the rest of the team sort out problems of their own such as the legacy of Red XIII's father and an odd past between Vincent and Yuffie. Yuffie x ?
1. That Time of Year

**Disclaimer:** I don't own SQUAT.

Hey everyone you might know me from such FF7 works as The Iris and E! True Hollywood: Final Fantasy, the latter of whichwas more popular than the former. Was? Yes, was. As in they cut it because it was PARTIALLY in script form. Oh, well. You live, you learn. To tell you the truth I didn't really like it. It wasn't really going where I wanted it to, and the humor was a bit rusty... anyway, well, here we go again I guess, enjoy!

Chapter 1- That Time of Year

Red XIII was awoken by a large crash, accompanied by the rumbling of Cosmo Canyon. He clambered sleepily to the window, staring into the morning sky. And there was the Highwind, lodged into the side of the canyon. Red heaved a regretful sigh to himself. It was that time of year again. The idiots were back.

He had only stepped into the hallway as Cid dashed towards Red. "Dammit, that's the last time I let ninja bimbo drive the Highwind."

Yuffie followed closeby. "It wasn't my fault!"

"You pushed the 'do not push' button!"

"If you didn't want it to be pushed, it shouldn't have been there."

"Those damn Shin-ra do all kinds of retarded stuff like that. Red, come on, let's go. Did you pack? Just one suitcase, right?"

"No, there wasn't really enough room for all my shirts and pants," Red replied sarcastically.

Cid stared blankly. "You don't wear clothes."

"Exactly. I was being sarcastic."

"But you don't wear clothes."

"Can we just get this over with!"

"Come on, let's go, the others are waiting."

Before he knew it, Red was in the Highwind, blasting off to Costa del Sol.

"Why do they do this?" Red complained to Yuffie. "I just want to spend time at home, with my family. But no! Every year these people come and drag me into their Costa del Sol vacation. Why do I have to- Yuffie, are you listening?"

His reply was a rather loud snore. Looking closer, he saw that she was wearing a pair of sunglasses with eyeballs painted on them to make it look like she was awake. Red sighed to himself. As he lied down on the rug that Tifa had set out for him, he decided that as long as he was cursed to have to do this every summer, he might as well enjoy it. He slowly drifted off to sleep. The last thing he heard before he fell asleep was 'Cloud, don't touch that!' followed by the rather disturbing sound of surging electricity.

When Red woke up, the airship had stopped. Red stood up, stretching, and ambled over to Barret. "Are we there?"

Barret shook his head. "Apparently, we're out of gas," he answered in a tone of annoyance.

"What?"

They heard two peoples' voices from outside the bridge as Cid and Shera entered the airship.

"You know, if you had just filled up the tank like I told you to, we wouldn't be here!"

"Oh, so now you're blaming this on me? Cid, you always do that!"

"And it's _my_ fault? You say everything's my fault."

"Like when?"

"Like that guy at the mall."

"You punched him in the face! You broke his nose!"

"I thought he was feeling you up."

"He was measuring the dress I was trying on for God's sake!" The arguing couple entered the bridge. Cid announced, "Good news everyone, we're only five miles from Costa del Sol."

There was an all-around cheer. "But, we're going to have to push the Highwind the rest of the way."

Everyone's jaw dropped.

"Couldn't we just walk there?" Cait Sith asked.

"And leave my baby unsupervised? I'm going to say this once, and once only, so pay attention. I value this ship more than all of your welfare combined. Not more than my wife though," he added hastily as Elena glared at him. "But pretty damn close, I'll tell you that."

All the team and personnel reluctantly shuffled out of the airship except for Cid. "Why aren't you going?" Vincent asked Cid, noticing that he was keeping his ground. "Oh, I'm going to steer it. Now go. Go push."

Vincent glared as he left. "And no slacking! The harder you work, the faster we'll get there."

It was a good three hours before they managed to push the airship to the edge of Costa del Sol. Cid bounded out of the airship. "Okay everyone, let's go!" The rest of the group, sweaty and tired, followed him to the town.

"But why must we do this every year?" Red asked.

Barret shrugged. "Oh, come on. We don't get to see each other anymore. Don't you ever want to take a break and see your old friends once in awhile?"

"Yeah… I guess you're right."

"Plus we get to stay in this bitching Shin-ra summer house, right?"

When everyone was settled down in the house, Vincent went off to seclude, Yuffie and Tifa dragged a reluctant Barret shopping, and the crew members and the rest of the team went off and did whatever insignificant and uninteresting thing it was that they did.

Cid noticed Cloud staying behind. "Hey, what's your problem?"

"I don't know. I just… I mean, do you ever get that feeling that, sometimes, you're just a waste of space?"

"Who, me? God no…" Cid turned his head to regard himself in the mirror for a second. "Do you want something important to do or something?"

"Nah, I'll just screw it up probably."

Damn right you will, Cid thought. Cloud's really bummed out; I ought to give him something to occupy himself with. Something that he can't screw up.

"Uh… Cloud. I was wondering if you could help me out with something. Our safety chief sort of quit on us. Now, if someone gets hurt, we have nothing to do. Do you get what I'm trying to ask you?"

"Oh, I'm sure I could give you some great recommendations. I hear Tifa is good with these sort of-"

"No you useless idiot! I'm asking you to be our safety chief. Here, we have a first aid kit and an instruction book. You think you can handle it?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Good job." Cid took off his shirt and pants, stripping down to his swimming shorts. "Well I'm gonna take a dip… just remember how important and irreplaceable a job you have, okay?"

Well that's it for this chapter, I have lots of stuff to do and I'm kind of busy with friend and family stuff so it would be kind of a waste of time writing a story that nobody likes, so to show that people are reading, I would like 2 reviews before I post chapter 2. Thanks for reading :)


	2. Loner, Leader, Best Friend Forever

Hey, look, I finally updated! What do you know. Enjoy the chapter.

Chapter 2- Barret: Loner, Leader, Best Friend Forever

"What will it be?"

"Scotch on the rocks, please." Vincent stared at the smooth finish on the bar. It's not as though he didn't like these people. They were the closest things he had to friends in a long while. But, he felt himself agreeing with Red. This wasn't really something that needed to be done with such enthusiasm every year.

"Here you go hun."

"Uh…"

"Something wrong?" In fact, there was something wrong. Vincent stared at the small granite pebbles in his drink.

"Oh, I'm sorry, is that what you wanted? I didn't know what kind of rocks you wanted."

Another waitress came by, sweeping the younger one away. "Uh, will you go wipe off table 3, please? Thank you." She turned. "Sorry, Vincent, she's new here."

"Hi, Dolores."

"I'll get what you want." She prepared his drink. "How come every year, the first thing to do is come to this ratty old place?"

"Because you serve the best drinks in Costa del Sol." He took a swig of the scotch as the waitress handed it to him.

"You know, Vincent, you can't just spend your annual vacation in a bar every time. You should go try new things. We just got a karaoke machine." She pointed to a stage in the corner. "Karaoke? That's not really my thing…"

"Oh, come on. Try it out, just once."

"Hmm…"

Shera, Cid, Cait Sith, Red XIII, Marlene, and Cloud were at the beach. "Come on, just come in already!"

Cait Sith sat stubbornly on the beach. "No! I refuse to go into the water."

Cid rolled his eyes. "Fine…" Deciding he had had enough swimming for the time being, he treaded over to the beach, wading to dry land. "I think I'm gonna go get a bite to- shit!" Cid had stepped on a piece of litter on the shoreline, cutting his big toe. Cloud sat upright immediately. "Cid! Don't move! I'll be right there!"

"Oh, it's okay, it's just a little-"

"Hey, get out of the way, there's an injured man over here!" Cloud dashed over to Cid, holding the first aid kit and the instruction manual. "Okay, what do we do here… bruises, stomach problems, lacerations… where's cuts! WHERE'S CUTS! OH MY GOD WHAT DO WE DO NOW!"

"Lacerations _are _cuts, Cloud."

"Oh… whatever, here, I spring-loaded the first aid kit for easy access!" Everyone ducked instinctively as Cloud reached for the latch. As he pulled it, random bottles and syringes launched into the area around them. "Oops, sorry everyone!"

"Ooh! Ooh! This one!" Tifa worked a rubber wristband onto Barret's wrist. "Sky blue is definitely your color."

"How about this one?" Yuffie showed one. "Fuchsia is a perfect match!"

"Look, I just want to go swimming, I-"

"But Barret! We're best friends forever! How are you gonna show everyone that we're BFFs?"

"Do we really need bracelets for that?"

"Yes." The three approached the counter. The shopkeeper looked at Yuffie, turned around to a picture of Yuffie on the wall that clearly read 'KILL THIS PERSON', and then looked back. He squinted.

"Calm down, I'm not gonna steal anything! My gosh…"

As Tifa paid for the bracelets, Yuffie still complained. "You know, I wish people would trust me sometimes. It's not as if I double-cross every store I see. I am an honest citizen! Here, try this one." She handed Barret an emerald green bracelet.

"Where did you get this?"

"…I may have borrowed it from the store, I…"

As they walked by the beach, they noticed the rest of the group; twitching on the ground and injected with syringes in various places. "Looks like things are going normal for them. Where's Vincent?"

Yuffie waved. "He hangs out at some bar on the edge of town… let's go say hi." Walking along the road, they saw an older red-haired woman getting a hot dog. "Hey look! It's Doris!" said Barret, who watched Coach regularly.

"No, it's Mona Robinson!" interjected Tifa, who always tuned in to Who's the Boss.

"No, it's just that loser Katherine Hammond," said Yuffie, correcting them both.

She approached them with a smile. "Yes, I am a bit of all those things."

"But mostly the last one."

"Yeah…"

"So Ms. Hammond, what brings you to Costa del Sol?"

"Well, I'm kind of in hiding. Apparently Who's the Boss would've made ten million more dollars if Mona was played by Halle Barre."

"Oh."

"I see."

"…what the hell is a dollar?"

"You wouldn't understand." Katherine walked away. They saw her approach a young man on the beach. "Hey there hot stuff, how would you like to take a ride on the Mona Express?" In response, the man's eyes rolled back into his head and began emitting steam. That kind of thought about Katherine Hammond literally burned his eyes out of their sockets. The three quickly trotted away. When they had found the bar and entered, they were confronted by the strangest sight they had ever seen.

Vincent was singing. And he was singing Abba. "_There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright, Fernando! They were shining there for you and me, for liberty_ OH SHIT." Vincent dropped the mic as he stared at his friends gawking at him. "This was nothing! You didn't see anything!" He stomped past them.

"Or what? You gonna… suck our blood?" Barret mocked.

"Grr… I'm not that kind of vampire you idiot."

"Heh, right…"

Yuffie stomped on Barret's foot. "Will you leave him alone?"

"So he was faking the silence thing the whole time…"

"No he wasn't… was he? Because that's why I fell for him," Tifa said.

"_You_ fell for Vincent?"

"Yeah, we all have," Yuffie answered. "Us, Aeris, Elena from the Turks… Shera."

"Shera?"

"Marlene."

"MARLENE!"

"It's just a phase, though. All that Lucrecia business is kind of a turn-off."

"MARLENE!"

"I'm bored. I'm going back to the house. Bye guys."

"See you Yuffie."

"MARLENE!"

Back at the summer house, Yuffie noticed Cloud sitting on the bed. "Ow… ow… ow…"

"What are you doing?"

Cloud shrugged, although it was quite here that he was hovering his hand over a lighter. "Ow… ow… oh man, that hurts… ow."

-10 minutes later-

Everyone stood hopelessly in front of the summer house. "Cloud, explain to me this once more… HOW THE HELL DID YOU BURN DOWN THE SUMMER HOUSE!"

"I told you for the last time the leprechaun tells me to burn things!"

"Don't listen to the leprechaun then!"

Cid scratched the back of his head. "Well, I guess we'll have to cut this vacation short."

Elena spoke up. "We don't have to end the vacation, we still have the airship, right? The sky is our limit."

"Well, I guess you're right. In either case we need 24 hour supervision with this **_SPIKY HAIRED IDIOT_** to make sure he doesn't burn my airship down. Well… let's go, guys."

Tifa and Cloud sat in the chocobo stable, staring at the wall. Cid burst in. "This hay looks awfully flammable…"

"Cid, will you stop it?"

"I'm sorry, geez, it's not like anything I touch will catch on fire." He rubbed his hand over the hay to smooth it down so he could lay on it. It combusted.

"GAH!" Cid whipped out a fire extinguisher and doused Cloud and the hay in the fluid. "TIFA MAKE SURE HE DOES NOT BURN ANYTHING DOWN!" He left in a bustle.

"Okay… so the hay was a little dry. Cloud… I've been thinking."

"So have I."

"Really? Like what?"

"Like what does blue smell like?"

"Um, not that kind of thinking. I mean, I've been sort of thinking about what we should do… about you."

"Me?"

"Cloud." She sat up, holding his hand. "How would you like to take special lessons?"

"About what?"

"They have classes for people just like you."

"Like me?"

"Yeah, you know… undertaught."

"What does that mean?"

"Mal educated."

"Moohodjucated?"

"Stupid, Cloud. You're stupid."

"Oh. Well… if you say so… I guess I should try. Come on, let's go, I don't like it in here." Cloud stood up, petting the chocobo as he left. Too bad they didn't notice the poor creature combusting as they left.

Well that's chapter 2. Sorry I took so long to update. Since I got so many hits and reviews, I think I'll say thanks by a preview of the next chapter.

Chapter 3: Asbestos for the Rest of Us

"Okay everyone, look into the screen. This is Cloud's mind as of now."

Everyone peered into the TV screen. It was all white. "Professor… what's that thing?"

"That, Cait, is a glass of orange juice. A pulpy, old, warm glass of orange juice. Ladies and gentlemen… Cloud Strife's brain."

Review please :) Um… at least 7 reviews should be plenty.


	3. Asbestos for the Rest of Us

Uh… yeah… something to say. Hmm… well, people have given me a lot of suggestions about what the pairings should be. Someone said I should do Clouffie, someone else said I should do Cloti, and I'm killing myself racking my brain over what a Cloti is. What's gonna happen? Who knows? Well, I do. And you don't. And another thing, a piece of advice everyone, don't write a fic for a game you haven't played in awhile. It's all those secondary characters who get you. So Cid's wife's name is Shera, huh? I'll have to remember that…

Uh I don't like to make long announcements but I still have two more things to say. For one the main reason I haven't updated for awhile is because I'm now in band camp. Yes, I am a band geek. Hey, it's a good way to meet hot chicks. Yes believe it or not where I live band geek chicks are hot. Well, most of them. Anyway this puts my schedule to sleep, wake up, sleep some more, oversleep, scramble to get ready in 10 minutes, play music, eat sack dinner, march, practice field charts, flirt with clarinet players, go home eat real dinner, then go to sleep and start over. Not much room for other stuff, huh? And on another note, in an original fiction story I'm writing on (the Central Continent) I guess the idea of naming continents after directions (such as Eastern Continent) originally came to me from this game without me noticing it, so I will admit that I didn't come up with that idea. Well, enough ranting for now… on with the show!

Chapter 3- Asbestos for the Rest of Us

-10 years ago-

Bugenhagen sat at his desk, scribbling away at his memoirs. It was dark in his office, and his only light was a lamp next to the paper he was writing on. "I am getting old in my days, and there will soon be a time when I am no more. I do not want my observatory to go to waste. I would like someday that the observatory become a place for learning. A university perhaps, if you will. I hope that someday my findings throughout my years will serve to teach the youth so that they can find all the things that I could not. I foresee a very prosperous future indeed.

-present time-

"Go! Go! Go!"

The student guzzled down the last of the beer bottle, throwing his arms in the air. At Bugenhagen University, two students made their way out of the crowded dorm room as the other one opened up yet another bottle of beer. One of them looked out the window. "Hey, look, Red's home!"

His friend looked out the window to see the Highwind speeding towards the Canyon.

BOOM!

"YUFFIE!"

"GET RID OF THE BUTTON AND I WON'T PUSH IT!"

"WILL YOU TWO JUST SHUT UP!" Tifa shouted in a spontaneous fit of rage. "Now you all wait here, this will only take a second." But it took much longer than that and they got bored. Eventually, after Cid ordered the personnel to stay put, the rest of the team followed.

Tifa and Cloud walked through the crowded commons of the new university. "Wow," Tifa said, "it's been a while since we've been here… remember Terra?"

"Terra… not really."

"Yeah, she was the very first teacher here."

"Oh, right, Professor Homers."

"Yeah… she was really smart. I remember the last thing she said to me was, 'every person gets from the Planet what they give to the Planet. That's deep. Do you remember the last thing she said to you?"

"I think I do."

"What was it?"

"Away."

"What did she say before that?"

"Go."

"Oh… well as the fates would have it, she's your logics teacher."

"…"

"But since she's a special logic teacher she likes to talk a bit… thoroughly. Well, here we are, room 208. Have a good first day of school, okay?"

"Okay."

"Don't let anyone bully you."

"If I ignore them, they'll ignore me."

"Bye honey." She kissed him on the forehead.

"See ya Mom."

"Did you just call me Mom?"

There was an air of awkward silence.

"…I gotta go."

"Bye."

Just then, the teacher came out. Professor Terra Homers was relatively young for her occupation. She had shoulder-length brown hair and emerald green eyes. She was every man's dream. And she was gay. Sigh…

"Ah, Ms. Lockhart. And Cloud… come in, come in. Red, is that you? These must be your friends," she nodded towards the rest of the group lurking at the other end of the hallway. "What an odd bunch… anyway, you all can come in too."

"This is my classroom. It has many small desks for the students and a big one for me, and a chalkboard, along with various other things in the room. I like to hold my classes here." She pointed to a door to the left. "This is the research lab. We research things in there. Come, there's something I want to see that you all may want to as well. Oh, by the way, Cloud, you stay here." She walked over to the desk and placed a glass of bubbly colorless liquid on it.

The rest of them entered the lab. It had a white ceiling, floor, and walls, and basically had that "lab" look to it. Machines were placed in various spots around the room. In the middle was a large TV screen and what looked like an operation table. They watched through a window at Cloud.

"What are we doing?" Vincent asked.

"We're seeing if he really needs this class." They watched as Cloud looked around, then snuck to the desk and took a sip of the glass. Then he guzzled it down in a second, wiping his mouth, walking back to the center of the room, and whistling innocently.

"…he passed with flying colors."

"Professor, what was that?"

"Fizzy, refreshing soft drink for dummies. Asbestos for the rest of us."

"Is that healthy?" Barret asked.

"I haven't lost anyone because of it yet. This year…" She opened the door. "Cloud, come in, please." He entered, swaggering slightly, as the professor took them to the table in the middle of the room.

"Here we have highly advanced technology. With this machine here, we can actually see the contents of peoples' minds. Cloud, onto the table please. Now, look into the screen and we shall see what lurks within Cloud's head." She placed a helmet attached to a machine on the ceiling above the table onto Cloud's head, and went to a machine and pushed a few buttons.

"Okay everyone, look into the screen. This is Cloud's mind as of now."

Everyone peered into the TV screen. It was all white. "Professor… what's that thing?"

"That, Cait, is a glass of orange juice. A pulpy, old, warm glass of orange juice. Ladies and gentlemen… Cloud Strife's brain."

Sure enough, there was a small glass of repulsive orange juice lying on the otherwise endless white plane. "As you can see we have a lot of work to do. Now, my class will be starting in a couple of minutes so if you all wouldn't mind, it's time for Cloud to begin his lessons now."

"Bye, Cloud, have a good one." Everyone bid farewell as they filed out of the room.

"Thanks guys, I'll try." And so the team left to go do whatever it was they were going to do for the rest of their vacation.

And that, for now, is that. This story is coming along a lot better than I had originally thought :) How about 14 reviews? Also, I post a bonus chapter every 15 reviews I get to say thanks for all the support. It's basically just a chapter that deals with something that has to do with the story but is not really necessary to the plot, but may give a hint or two, like an epilogue or something.

Chapter 4- The Iced Tea Massacre

"All your tests are back, and you all did fairly well." As the Professor was handing out tests, she stopped at Cloud's desk. "I want to see you in my office after class, I'll give you your test then," she whispered, then passed.

After the lesson was over, Cloud knocked on the door adjacent to the lab. "Come in," said the professor. He entered.

"Cloud, this is your test."

"You draw your A's weird… it looks like an F."

"Yes. Cloud, there were some answers on your test that I found rather… interesting."

"Like?"

"Well, on question 8, 'What is a bovine', you answered, 'A word I don't know."

"Well, that's what it is."

"And on question 12, 'What sort of food does a butcher deal with', your answer was 'DVD players'. Have you ever eaten a DVD player before?"

"…once."

"And question 27, 'What is your favorite kind of animal'…" she sighed, shaking her head.

"What's wrong?"

"This question didn't even have a wrong answer."

"So I was right?"

"I can't say you got it right, either. Am I going blind or does it say here that your favorite kind of animal is car dealers?"

"…"

Thanks for reading :)


	4. The Iced Tea Massacre

Okay, I know, I haven't updated in a while. But I'm working on this other story in Cowboy Bebop and I'm getting more hits and reviews from that one, but I'll still be doing this one. Also I had a small thing of writers' block… yeah, it can be a bitch - By the way for anyone who's interested, I am working on a revision of E! True Hollywood: Final Fantasy (as you may have seen in my bio). Just wanted to put this out for anyone who liked it, or anyone who didn't (cough, Cloudlover, cough), even though it will no longer be in script form (have no idea how the hell I'm gonna do a TV show-based fic without it though), and it will probably have a slightly different name. Well, here it is. Enjoy!

Chapter 4- The Iced Tea Massacre

"Go ahead… I dare you."

Cid and Barret sat on small wooden boxes in the chocobo stable facing each other. There were cigarettes and beer bottles littered around them, and the golden chocobo, Max, strutted around nervously, trying to get away from the thick smoke that covered the small room. Barret and Cid's eyes were bloodshot red, and had dark spots under them.

Barret dropped a finger on the map in between them. "Bone Village," he said satisfyingly.

Cid shook his head drunkenly. "Yuffie stole half of a T-Rex model."

The two men were quiet.

"Is Costa del Sol the only place that hasn't banned at least one of our people?"

Barret took a swig of his beer. "It would've been a matter of time…"

"You're right," he answered drunkenly. "There has to be some place that can take my wife, your daughter, and all the idiots. But where?"

"Hmm…"

"How about we go… here?" Cid pointed to Kalm Town.

"No, Cloud accidentally set a café on fire there."

"…why does he always set things on fire?"

Barret suddenly thought of something. "You know, Cloud is gonna be at school… that means that all the places he's banned from, we can go. Right?"

"Yeah, you're right… that narrows it down to about… half the world."

"Does that mean…?"

"Yes, Barret. We can go."

Barret jumped to his feet. "WE'RE GOING TO MOOGLE-LAND! YES!" He dashed out of the stable, catching everyone he saw and telling them the good news of their new destination.

-at the university-

"And that's how I learned that dogs with foam coming from their mouths should not be pet."

The classroom clapped as the last student sat down. "Thank you, Emma, for your wonderful report. "Now, I have all your tests are back, and you all did fairly well." As the Professor was handing out tests, she stopped at Cloud's desk. "I want to see you in my office after class, I'll give you your test then," she whispered, then passed.

After the lesson was over, Cloud knocked on the door adjacent to the lab. "Come in," said the professor. He entered.

"Cloud, this is your test."

"You draw your A's weird… it looks like an F."

"Yes. Cloud, there were some answers on your test that I found rather… interesting."

"Like?"

"Well, on question 8, 'What is a bovine', you answered, 'A word I don't know."

"Well, that's what it is."

"And on question 12, 'What sort of food does a butcher deal with', your answer was 'DVD players'. Have you ever eaten a DVD player before?"

"…once."

"And question 27, 'What is your favorite kind of animal'…" she sighed, shaking her head.

"What's wrong?"

"This question didn't even have a wrong answer."

"So I was right?"

"I can't say you got it right, either. Am I going blind or does it say here that your favorite kind of animal is car dealers?"

"…"

"…?"

"I'd have to say… you're going blind."

She handed him a piece of paper on her desk. "Here."

"What's this?" It had a name and a room number on it.

"Cloud, are you familiar with Professor Kudo?"

"Not really."

"He teaches psychology on the other side of the campus, and he has been willing to do some… studying on you."

"He's my new shrink?"

"Yes."

"Am I crazy or something?"

"Just because you're taking therapy doesn't necessarily mean that."

"But you still haven't answered my-"

"Anyway, you will be going in every Tuesday and Thursday for 60-minute lessons."

"How long will I be doing this?"

"How long it takes. Tifa has paid 800 thousand gil in advance."

"Is it really gonna take that much worth of therapy?"

"It's indefinite so far. You may leave now."

"How come-"

"GO."

"Yes ma'am." So he turned around and stepped out of the office.

-at a city on the Western Continent called Martyr City-

Barret skipped circles around the group as they walked through the city. "Moogle-land! Moogle-land! I'm gonna ride the Super Blaster 9000! And I'm gonna go to the chocobo petting zoo! Ah we're gonna have so much fun!"

Cid stared dully at Barret as he hopped around. "Ugh… I'm hungry. What say we stop at that pub over there?"

"Well, actually, I wanted to-"

"I SAID GET YOUR ASSES IN THERE BEFORE I THROW YOU IN!"

"What's his frigging problem?" Yuffie whispered to Shera as they nervously filed into the pub.

"Oh, he just gets a little cranky when he's hungry, that's all."

"…"

"Okay, he gets totally psycho."

When they were all set down at two tables put together at the pub, the waitress came to ask them what they wanted. Unfortunately, there was a shortage on everything but iced tea. So that's what they all ended up getting.

Shera began a long, winding discussion about some new airplane designs she was working on that everyone pretended to pay attention to, but really weren't, when Tifa noticed that Marlene was twiddling a spoon in her tea aimlessly.

"Hey, what's wrong?" she asked.

"I don't like tea…"

"Well, throw it then," Tifa said with a smile.

"…so that we can make the plane bigger without having to worry about weight problems, but the inner plaster plays an important part when-" Shera was stopped when she was suddenly doused in tea.

Barret was appalled. "Marlene!"

"Tifa told me to!"

"I was only joking!"

"You did what?" Cid took his tea and splashed it out over Tifa.

"Hey, you can't do that to a girl wearing a white top, duh!" Yuffie threw her tea at Cid.

Before anyone knew what was going on, everyone was heavily drenched in tea to the amusement of the others in the café. Suddenly Cait began to moan in agony.

"Cait, what's wrong?" Shera asked in a huff.

"That… is the nastiest thing I have ever seen!"

"What?"

"Look…" Cait pointed disgustingly at Tifa's now easily see-through top."

"OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT!"

"It's just an infection!"

"I'm gonna be sick…" Yuffie's stomach gave way as she threw up all over the table.

"Oh God…"

And round two began as instead of tea bombarding them, it was an assortment of half-digested food. After what seemed like ages, the team had found themselves on the floor, laying on the overturned tables (or the overturned tables laying on them) and chairs strewn everywhere. In the chaos, one of the employees had taken the time to put yellow caution tape around them. The whole café was silent.

Finally, a man sitting at a table mustered himself to say, "And these people actually stopped us all from being crushed by Meteor?"

Big mistake.

"HEY YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!" Cid shouted, snapping to his feet.

"Hey, hey, please!" Tifa shouted after grabbing a nearby towel and tightening it around her body. "We don't want a fight, just some lunch."

"Maybe… we should go now…"

The team uncomfortably stepped out of the café.

The stood still outside the door, silent. The were all thinking the same thing, but only Cait said it aloud.

"Well that was the most pointless chapter I have ever seen!"

And, that's it for this one. I used to be good at humor, guess I've kind of out-funnied myself for now… the stuff I'm working on now is mostly action/adventure stuff. Though there is obviously no romance so far per se, I plan on putting something in next chapter.

Well, I decided I'm not gonna make a set number of reviews like I always do. Like I said, the more reviews I get, the more I will prioritize the production of this fic. That's it, see y'all later :)


	5. The New Shinra

A/N: Did they mention anything about the year in FF7? I don't think so… maybe? Oh, well, the year in here I just made up. And, last chapter made me feel kind of iffy, but this chapter, I think it's a lot better, or made me laugh more at least. Although this is the actual chapter in which the contradictions originate… and also can anyone explain the Cait Sith/Shin-ra thing because I still don't understand everything that happened. :)

Chapter 5- The New Shin-ra

Tifa threw the suitcase onto the bed in the hotel room. As Shera claimed the sofa and Yuffie the other bed, Tifa opened her suitcase.

"Tifa… can I ask you something?"

"Yeah?"

"How do you explain this?" Yuffie waved over her suitcase, which was full of nothing but skimpy white tops and the shortest of the short shorts.

"I… well… how do you explain _that_?" Tifa indicating Yuffie's suitcase, which as well was full of green tops and equally short brown short shorts.

"Hey, I find a look I like, I stick with it."

They both looked at Shera's open suitcase, which was full of a spectrum of colorful bathing suits and summer wear.

"What about all the lab coats?" Yuffie asked, amazed.

"I didn't think bringing a lab coat to the beach was a very smart thing to do. I actually do wear real clothes most of the time, unlike..."

Yuffie and Tifa regarded themselves, suddenly noticing that all this time they had been half naked.

Tifa began taking the clothes out of her suitcase. "What's this?"

"What?"

"I didn't pack a book." Tifa retrieved from the suitcase a small brown book.

"What's that?"

She opened the cover of the book. "Property of Barret Wallace?"

"This must be his journal." She turned to a random page and read, and the three girls read with several comments from Yuffie (in parentheses) and Tifa **in bold **as she did.

_March 3, 5416 _**This is quite a few years back.**

_Dear Diary, _(How fruity…)

_How are you? I am fine. _(Oh my God…) _Mina came over today_. (Who's Mina?) **That's his wife.** (Oh, okay.) _I went to the jewelry shop and got the ring. It's cubic zirconium, she won't tell the difference. _(Did she?) **Oh, I remember like it was yesterday… she totally freaked.**

_I wonder when I'm going to ask her the question. Whenever I think about it, it makes me so nervous… I never did finish the last thing on my list. But, maybe it's all for the better. Wish me luck, _(Stop personifying your diary you psycho!)

_Sincerely, _

_Barret_

"What list is he talking about?" Yuffie asked.

"I don't know… let's see if it's in here." She flipped back a few pages until she saw something of interest.

_February 22, 5416_

_Dear Diary,_

_How are you? I am fine. _(Again?) _Since Valentine's Day, I've been thinking. Maybe now is the right time to ask Mina the big question. We've been engaged for almost two years now. Tifa's been bothering me about it too. I guess it's now or never. But, I got an idea. What if, to end my bachelorness _(Is that even a word?)_, I were to make a list of things to do before I get married? This is the final copy I came up with, so I can move on in my life with satisfaction. _**Looks like he's crossed off everything except for number 10.**

_1 Wear my underwear inside out. _(…o…kay…)

_2 See how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop._

_3 Win a toy in the claw machine. _**…isn't this about the same time he almost declared himself bankrupt? I wonder if… nah.**

_4 Wear a shirt._ (Come to think of it… has he ever done that before?)

_5 Call all the Barret Wallaces in the phone book._ **I remember that, that one was tricky. The line was always busy.**

_6 See life through the eyes of a towel._ **That explains how he broke the towel rack… and the washer.**

_7 Go to a blitzball game. _(That's the wrong video game, you idiot!)

_8 Steal Tifa's picture with her, Sephiroth, and that weird spiky hair kid in it._ **Why that son of a… so that's where it went!**

_9 Eat beef Wellington upside down._ **Well, I must say, this list sure does explain a lot of the weird things he does.** (But nowhere near all of them.) **True.**

_10 Tell Tifa my true feelings about her._

The three girls looked at each other, dead silent. At that moment, there was a knock on the door. "Come in," Tifa mustered, snapping out of her silence. The doorknob jiggled. "Dammit… if I only had thumbs…"

"Red, do you need us to open the door for you?" Shera suggested.

"No, I got it. Grr…"

"Are you sure that-?"

"Yes, yes, I can do it!"

After a few more awkward moments, Tifa walked over to the door and opened it, allowing in Red XIII.

"I almost had it, you know."

"Whatever you say… what's up? Are we ready to go?"

"Yeah, but… it'll only be eight of us."

Yuffie put on a pensive expression, counting her fingers.

"That's one less than we have now," Shera elaborated.

"Whoa, who's going?"

"Cait is going to Rocket Town."

"Rocket Town? You mean Gold Saucer," Yuffie said.

"No… I suspect he's going there for some Shin-ra related purposes. He did use to work for them, after all."

"He did?"

"Yes… were you even paying attention?" Tifa asked in awe. "At Gold Saucer? When they came to get Aeris?"

"Oh, I was looking at the roller coaster, I wasn't really… listening…"

"It turns out that he was being controlled by Reeve from Shin-ra?"

"Then why is his doll hanging out with us?"

"But that was a lie too, and he was actually a real living creature, but still did work for Shin-ra." Tifa narrowed her eyes. "Wait… I don't remember that! Desert, what are you doing?"

Hey, I like Cait, all right? No one pays attention to the poor guy. Reeve is cool too… but still. Just… forget it!

Yuffie squinted. "Okay, so Cait Sith used to work for Shin-ra but became good?"

"Yes."

"So back up… who's Aeris?"

Hastily, Red interrupted, "Well, he's going to Rocket Town. Shin-ra stuff, like I said."

"Figures," Tifa said tartly. "When's he leaving?"

"I'm so glad to see you care," Cait Sith said, at that moment entering, followed by Mog the moogle, who was carrying all his luggage.

"3 suitcases? You don't even wear clothes." Shera pointed out.

"Shera, Shera, please," he replied nonchalantly. "Suitcases can hold more than clothes. What about all the stuff I wanna steal, where do I put that? Well, anyway, I will be going now, just wanted to say bye."

"This isn't something to deal with Shin-ra, is it?" Tifa asked, crossing her arms.

"I can't say." He turned around to leave.

"Cait Sith," she said firmly.

He stopped, sighing. "Fine… you want the truth?"

"Yes."

"Well, I know how strongly you feel about this. So, the truth is… gotta run!" And with that, he blew past Red and Mog, who chased after him.

"Let him go," Red said as Tifa ran to the door. "Let's just try to enjoy ourselves."

Although Tifa doubted that would happen, as Barret's strange note had already bore deeply into her mind.

"Move, kid!" Barret picked up the boy and threw him off the merry-go-round, jumping onto the horse as the ride began. "Hey, guys, look at me! Guys? Guys!" But oddly enough, they were all gone.

"Phew... do you think we lost him?" Yuffie asked.

"I think so," Cid said. "Okay, there's no way we can all see the park at once, so we should split up. What do you all want to see?"

"Marlene wants to go on the rides," Tifa said.

"I would like to go to the museum," Red XIII put in.

"Okay, here's what we do," Cid said. "We'll split up, who wants to go on the rides, go with Tifa, who wants to go to the museum, come with me."

So it was decided that Cid, Shera, and Red would go to the museum, while Tifa, Marlene, Vincent, and Yuffie would go on the rides and midway. As they walked away, Tifa holding Marlene's hand, she said to Vincent, "I would've figured you'd want to go to the museum."

"Usually, but to tell you the truth I don't really like Cid too much."

"Heh, yeah. Hey... are you okay? You like pale. Well, paler than usual. Why don't you take the heavy clothes off?"

"Because... I can't."

"Why not?"

"It's... my thing, you know?"

"Whatever..." They approached the midway games.

"I wanna play that!" Marlene said, pointing to a booth at the end.

"Ooh, I know how to cheat without anyone catching you on that one," Yuffie said. "Come on, I'll go show you how. Now the trick is to..." Tifa and Vincent stayed behind as the two of them walked towards the booth.

"Tifa, are you all right? You seem to be troubled this morning."

"Oh... it's... it's nothing. Well... no. Don't worry about it."

"Fine. Let's go see that-"

"Okay, I'll tell you. Barret accidentally packed his dia... journal, his journal, in my suitcase."

"You shouldn't have read it..."

"I didn't say I did."

"But you did, didn't you?"

"Yeah... and we saw something in there that... well... I think Barret... maybe had kind of a crush on me."

Vincent snickered.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"What's so funny?"

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it? I mean, if Cloud didn't come along, you two would have no one in between you."

"In between- what are you talking about?"

"Nothing, nothing. So who else knows?"

"Yuffie and Shera. Barret knows too, of course. But he doesn't know we know."

"I didn't know he didn't know you know. Are you gonna tell him?"

"What? Look, I know that you know that if Barret knew that I knew then he would freak!"

"I guess... if he knew Shera and Yuffie knew, we all know that something will happen."

"But I have this feeling... like he knows I know. But not that the others know, I know and you know that if Barret knew that Shera and Yuffie knew, then... what the fuck are we talking about?"

"I forgot."

"Well, either way, I'm not gonna tell Barret. For now, at least."

Cait Sith saw the Highwinds' house as he walked by it. He painfully ripped off the note that Cid stapled to his hand.

_Cait,_

_IF YOU EVEN LOOK AT MY HOUSE I WILL KILL YOU IN THE SLOWEST AND MOST PAINFUL WAY POSSIBLE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED._

_Your friend,_

_Cid_

_P.S. I know you're looking at it. STOP LOOKING AT IT!_

Cait Sith turned his head hastily, and he could have sworn that he saw some sort of camera looking at him from inside the window.

He walked past the old rocket site, and straight ahead at the sign that said "Shin-ra members come here." It pointed down a path that went behind a set of houses. He went past the houses, into the woods. In a dark part stood a small makeshift shed with a sign over it that read, "New Shin-ra Headquarters." The penmanship was horrible, and the worst part was, one of the E's and both R's were backwards. Cait Sith approached the door and knocked on it. "Cait Sith."

"Enter."

He opened the door. In there on various bean bags and wooden chairs sat the whole gang: Reeve, Reno, Elena, Rude, Heidegger, Scarlet, and-

"Rufus? What happened to your hair?"

"It got scorched off when Diamond Weapon attacked the headquarters... sit."

"You look like such a-"

"Sit down!"

Mog obediently dropped onto its bottom.

"Where's the chip and dip?" Cait asked. "I was promised chip and dip."

Everyone glared at Reno for a second before Rufus began. "Okay, everyone's here. Well, as you know, Shin-ra took a sort of... bad turn when Midgar was... you know..."

"Ruthlessly crushed by Meteor?" Elena put in.

"Yes, that's one way to put it. Shin-ra _can_ come back. With a new persona."

"Which is?"

"Nice. We are nice."

"But we supply power through Mako, that's why people don't like us."

"But that's just it, we don't use Mako Energy anymore. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the bridge into the new age of power!" He stood up and ripped a cloth off of a board behind them. "Gerbil power!" He took a pointer out of his pocket and pointed to the picture on the board.

The board showed a picture of a gerbil in a wheel.

"Sir, what is this?"

"Gerbils. Millions of gerbils. And they run. And run and run and run. And that generates electricity. The environmentalists will be thrilled! Always nagging… you're sucking the power from our Planet! Without Mako our lives will be horrible! Bla bla bla! Bla bla bla! This is perfect!"

The team looked around at each other, deciding amongst themselves who would spoil poor Rufus's bubble. Scarlet was the one who spoke up. "Sir... the environmentalists will be glad you're not using Mako... but they'll be upset by the gerbils. Why don't we invest in another energy source? Nuclear power is growing rather popular."

"Um, excuse me, do you have the pointy stick? I didn't think so. So be quiet. Gerbils! We do that and- Cait, are you okay?"

Cait, in fact, was not okay. He and Mog were emitting a strange orange glow.

"Are you okay? What's happening to you?"

Cait gasped. "The story... the number of words in the story... it's lucky 7777!"

Do you know how hard it is to make an exact number of words in a chapter? It's hard... anyway, check it if you like... 7777 words! Muahahahaha... that really shows you how bored I am. Number of reviews? Dunno... just review please, I'll update either way, eventually... how fast I work depends on the number of reviews I get. ;) But I'm working on it, don't worry. Well, thanks for reading!


	6. Ink Blots

**Tifa: **_advances from the left_

**Yuffie: **_advances from the right_

**Cloud: **_chomping on a donut, suddenly realizing the two girls_ Uh…

Uh indeed, Cloud. Uh indeed. Haven't updated in a while… school, as you may have guessed. 10th grade now! Woohoo! 11th in England… I think? Maybe? Dunno, haven't been there for some time… anyway… enjoy!

**Cloud:** _getting sucked in under Tifa and Yuffie_

Chapter 6- Ink Blots

The Shin-ra syndicate stared at Cait Sith in awe as he and Mog radiated the orange glow. Heidegger raised his finger, but Scarlet slapped it back down.

"Cait… will this be a problem?" Rufus asked impatiently.

But Cait Sith didn't answer. Instead, his eyes rolled back and he grinned wildly.

"Is this really the Lucky 7's?" Elena asked in alarm.

At that moment, a short, stocky man burst through the door and waddled in.

"And who are you?" Rufus demanded as Mog and Cait Sith suddenly began to rip apart random items in the shed.

"I am Yoshinori Kitase! Now that Hironobu's gone, I think we should make some changes. I changed Lucky 7's a bit. Namely… it's more fun!"

No one knew what he was talking about, but they were all smart enough to figure out that this meant they should run. Well, most of them were. The others (a.k.a. Reno) followed mindlessly.

But no one cares about that right now. Well, I don't anyway. We haven't checked up on Cloud in awhile, have we? Let's go see how that's going…

Cloud wandered down the hallway, switching his sight between the door numbers and the number on the card in his hand. 202… 204… 206. He knocked on the door. A middle aged black man with grey, neat hair and a short beard opened the door. "Ah, Mr. Strife! Come in, come in. Just lay down right here on this sofa."

Cloud did as he was told.

"I suppose you know why you are here?"

"Yes."

"Lots of normal people go to therapy. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I know."

"Okay. We're going to do some tests. Just make yourself comfortable on that sofa there. Now, I will say a series of unrelated words. After each one, I want you to tell me the first word that comes to your mind. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Alright." He sat down on a chair and looked at a list in his hand. "First word is, table."

"Ceiling."

"Light."

"Ceiling."

"Orange."

"Ceiling."

Dr. Kudo stopped for a second to examine Cloud. "No, don't describe what you see, describe what you _think_. Helium."

"Helium."

"No, you cannot say the same word I do."

"But that's the first word that came to my mind!"

He sighed in annoyance. "Okay, next test. Here are some blots of ink. I show you one, and you tell me what it reminds you of. Okay?"

"Okay."

He showed him one of the blots.

"Ink."

Kudo dropped the papers, and heaved another sigh. "You know what, I just remembered, I have a thing I have to… do… right now… so you may leave now."

"But I've only been here a few minutes."

"I know, I'm sorry. We will have to reschedule to some later time."

"Okay." Cloud stood up. "I guess I'll just come by later, then?"

"Yeah, sure. Good-bye."

"Bye." Cloud left, turning the corner towards the dormitories where he was staying.

Meanwhile in the evening on the Eastern Continent, Red and Barret were entering the hotel lobby they were staying at.

They were dripping wet.

"So what did we learn today, Barret?"

"Just because the ride says you're so close to the water you can catch the fish with your hands… doesn't mean do it. Sorry, Nanaki."

"Nanaki? That's your name?" the clerk behind the counter blurted.

"Yes…"

"Oh, well I have a message here for you. It came a couple days ago. Sorry for the inconvenience."

Red walked to the counter, took the envelope in his hand with a "Thank you", and walked down the hall with Barret.

"How come you all call me Red XIII? That's my experiment name. Nanaki's my real name."

"Look, Red XIII was the default in the name choice. We didn't really feel like erasing Red XIII and putting in Nanaki."

"But then my grandfather told you my real name."

"But we couldn't just start calling you something different after we had been calling you Red, could we?"

"I don't see why not."

Red opened the envelope, and slipped out the paper (which was rather comical, seeing as he had no thumbs) and opened it.

_Nanaki,_

_We request that you return to Cosmo Canyon as soon as possible. It is about your father. See you soon,_

_Colt Tamsarian_

_Headmaster of Cosmo University_

"What's it say, Red?"

"It just says I need to go to Cosmo Canyon as quick as I can."

"So you will be leaving?"

"Yeah."

They returned to the room where Cid was and told him.

Cid sighed. "Okay, I understand. When will you be leaving?"

"I was wondering if I could take the Highwind to Cosmo Canyon."

"Sure, okay. I'll see you later."

"Bye."

When Red had said goodbye to everyone, he went with the pilot of the Highwind, and they took off.

"Have you noticed that our people are getting picked off one by one?" Cid said.

"What do you mean?" Barret asked.

"First Cloud left. That wasn't really something to be bummed over… but then Cait, and now Red. Are our annual vacations really that bad…?"

Meanwhile, the airship zoomed through the air. Red sat silently next to the pilot, staring out the windshield.

"Wow… this is weird," the pilot said.

"What?" Red asked.

"Just you and me."

"Where are all the other crew?"

"Back at Moogle Land."

"Don't we need them to help control the ship?"

"Not really. They just tinker around and make it look like they're doing something."

"Oh…"

"Yeah…"

Silence.

"So… what's your name again?"

After a somewhat awkward ride to Cosmo Canyon, Red entered the observatory/university. _There are the dorms over there,_ he thought. _I should go say hi to Cloud while I'm here._ He went all the way up to the top, where Headmaster Tamsarian's office was. He knocked.

"Come in," a humble voice from inside said.

Red scratched at the doorknob. "Again…"

"Do you need some-"

"No! I got it!"

By some miracle, Red managed to opened the door and enter. He was shocked by what he saw inside.

"Ah, nice to you again Nanaki. This is your father, Seto."

Sure enough, sitting there right next to the headmaster, was a mirror reflection of Red XIII.

Alright, believe it or not, I have posted:) I found the time to work on little bits and pieces of it at different times, sometimes at night, in the morning, or during the day. Also I've been pestered by writer's block for a bit. Well, anyway, thanks for reading, and I swear I'll try to post 7 much sooner.


	7. Temporary Discontinuation

Um… yeah. This story has been temporarily discontinued. Sorry guys, it's all this studying, my new part-time job (manager of aquariums and terrariums at Country Pets… doesn't that sound cool!). I've done this before, haven't I… well, I know now for sure, that I will not post a new story until I am absolutely FINISHED with the whole thing.

Also, I've sort of lost my Final Fantasy 7 vibe for now… meaning that 12 Steps will be finished and, but so far, the date is indefinite. In case you're interested, my new project is in the Metroid category. Check my profile for details and updates.


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